Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The room did not pause, Andrew did not leave. No. Instead he walked straight to the front of the room and in his hand was a picture of Alice Cox. He showed everyone in the class, and yells again. “This perfect girl, my perfect girlfriend is dead she is gone and it is all her fucking fault!” He picks up a sixteen year old government book and throws it in my direction. Luckily for me I was sitting in the far back of the room and the book thudded right before it could even hit my desk. This time he walked out of the room. He was crying, screaming, hurt, angry, confused; when Andrew left the room his feelings spread throughout the classroom.
My classmates were not concerned with the fact that Alice Cox is apparently dead, oh no in high school it is not the victim that is talked about. In high school it is way more interesting and ‘juicy’ to talk about the guilty or accused.
“All they care about is which people slept around it’s like high school for grown ups.”
Everyone in the class was thinking selfish, no one concerned of the lost of a classmate, but I have no room to talk. My thoughts were swarming just like the bees buzzing through the hive; through these chaotic thoughts I knew it, I knew I loved Andrew. Selfish that is me. I just discovered that this girl I knew is dead, I do not know how. I do know that I did not kill her. I believe I would remember being a murderer, why does he say I killed her. I did not kill her, I barely know her. I did not fucking kill her, I couldn’t I wouldn’t. But my thoughts and blank expression of confusion and depression did not change my classmates’ attitude towards me, every single one of them looking at me as though I had a bloody knife in my hand and a crooked smile.
More Atmosphere lyrics sprang up as I looked out the window and watched him walk the lonely walk to his car, his head down, his thoughts interest me. I want to be the one he shares them with; instead to him I am a murderer.
“Shoulda known better not to fuck with you
Ain't got nothin' but too much to lose
Lost in the rush, don't know what to do
That drug got you like I want you”
Before Andrew even passed the window the loudspeaker came on, the loud beep that became a usual nonsense to my classmates actually brought silence as we anticipated the announcement.
Did Alice really die?
How could people believe I killed her?
“Attention Cedar Crest students we have horrible news about Alice Cox…”
NO! It was true she was dead, gone. If that much was true maybe Andrew was right. Could I have been her murderer? Was there an actual possibility that I could go as far as killing a girl because of jealousy? Could my own jealousy make me forgot the incident all together?
“…last night Alice passed away only at 17 years old. Please would all classes have a moment of silence and a day of respect for the lost of this beloved and dedicated young woman.”
The moment of silence lasted nearly the entire class period; the only noise was made by Chris Randy playing with his sculpture of paper clips in the front of the class room. Even when I could hear my friend Tani whispering my name I could not, would not lift my head up. Looking straight down at the desk I could still feel the eyes of all my classmates’ burying into my head.
I wanted to leave run away, far away. We all have those moments in high school when anywhere seems better then here; stranded on a deserted island with nothing seems like a good vacation at this moment. But for now that bell ringing, stating it was the end of 1st period was good enough for me.